The Diagnosis

About three years ago, I went to see a psychiatrist for the first time. My symptoms ranged from emotional volatility, energy peaks and crashes, terrible sleep, to a pervading sense of overwhelm. Even though on paper I'd been a very successful person, the distance between what I felt my potential was and what I was actually achieving felt like the Grand Canyon. Many years before, I had been diagnosed with anxiety and sleep issues by an obstetrician. (Pre and post-natal anxiety is NO JOKE y'all.) After getting to the point where I would have weekly panic attacks over seemingly small things, I bit the bullet and tried some mental health medication for the first time. It helped immensely, so I was open to diving a bit deeper. I was eating well, exercising a lot, and had great friends and support, but that just wasn't cutting it. So I laid it all out there for this doctor over a full hour. She then looked at me and said it indicated a diagnosis of Bipolar 2. I think I blacked out for a second. 

Something felt off, but as she went through her reasoning, I listened, and if I tilted my head just enough, I could see something there. I decided to trust the process and start the treatment that she laid out. Did it help? A bit. Was it a tough mental pill to swallow? Incredibly. I don't think I realized the stigma attached to such a thing until I found myself wearing what felt like a suit three sizes too big with my diagnosis spray-painted across it. I didn't want people to think I was a scary person, but I didn't want to hide it either. I didn't feel like the label fit me super well, but I also didn't want to be the kind of person who knows better than their doctor. So for two years, I navigated as best I could. Then, a little over a year ago, I randomly saw a Venn diagram showing overlapping symptoms for Bipolar, ADHD, and BPD (borderline personality disorder). This one below, to be exact. 

It was like a key started to turn a little lock inside of me. What if my issues aligned closer with ADHD and not Bipolar? Would that bring things into sharper focus? But how could I have ADHD? I was a pretty strong student, and I'm so disciplined with my money for goodness' sake! Surely these things couldn't coincide. Come to find out, women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s are experiencing a wave of realizations similar to mine. Historically, the diagnosis of these sorts of issues has been massively focused on men and boys. Why? To be hyper-reductive, you tend to be able to see symptoms like hyperactivity on the outside more commonly in boys and men, whereas women and girls tend to experience things like this internally. Cue the development of incredibly elaborate internal coping mechanisms! Whee! After bringing these new revelations to my doctor, I was shocked to find myself essentially patted on the head and told that she didn't think this was especially relevant. 

When it was clear I wasn't taken seriously, I found a new doctor, started the entire process again from the ground up, and lo and behold she came back with ADHD combined with Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD. Essentially, ADHD on an ever-so-handy monthly schedule. So off I went down this new path. It took about six months to wean off medication I should never have been on in the first place, and experiment with some more appropriate for ADHD. Wow. 

The combination of navigating these two journeys of tackling the CFP and being diagnosed within the last 12-14 months has been intense. I have learned and unlearned so much of what I thought I knew. Along my deep-dive path into this world, I heard someone describe their ADHD brain as being similar to a fancy European sports car; capable of incredible power and speed, but also tends towards fussiness and ends up in the shop a lot. That really stuck with me and has been changing how I conduct myself in my business and my life. Have all my problems been solved? Of course not. Do I think we've taken this sort of pathology too far by trying to explain every little internal challenge with medical diagnoses? I don't know, maybe. That's not my call to make. Do I personally feel like I have a bit more accurate understanding of my brain and more compassion towards myself? One thousand percent. And oh boy, has it affected my relationship with my work, finances, and how I see myself being able to help others!

Since I started in this business a decade ago, I've identified that the main calling of my life is to help create a more joyous and generous generation. Even if it's in small ways. Hopefully, by sharing these and other stories to come, combined with intentional study to become a more proficient planner and counselor, I can continue to be someone who helps dispel the fears that keep us back from our fullest generosity and joy. 

So here I am, ready to fully take on new planning clients of my own and specifically seeking to help other women business owners in similar situations. I'm so ready.